LOSS: 4-3 vs Arsenal – Badgers Run Out Of Time

Another beautiful 8am game at the Clark Field Stadium. Green grass, musical vibes, Ciro had Starbucks and Jefe had a pre-game Twisted Tea. All was good…. except there wasn’t a keeper in sight with Jaybone reenacting the 1985 smash hit Easy Lover by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey in his living room.

“Billy, you want to play keeper?” [Indistinguishable Scotish grumble grumble]

Big Dave it is!

Nice move by Big Dave to take the first shift between the pipes for the Badgers. At least the goal kicks would be booming. Arsenal were also looking to recruit a keeper as they didn’t have a first choice on the pitch. It would be a case of who would strike first and test the backups.

Cameron Road started the game nicely and ADAM IS DOWN!! ADAM IS DOWN!! Seriously, within the first 30 seconds Adam did some “Adam Stuff” on the touchline and did his best Jake impression. After that, the Badgers starting to get a foothold in the game with Ciro and Parks patrolling center midfield. They were able to work the ball to the flanks where Chappy and Adam were trying to get Derek and Jesus involved.

The first attempt fell to Chappy as he rifled off a short range right footer from 15 yards that the keeper parried right back to him. Instead of rolling it across the box to two wide open teammates, he had his shooting blinders on and tried what could be described as a “low percentage shot” with his left bunionless foot. No doubt where that one ended up. That would not be the first bonehead maneuver from the man who likes to dabble in the canine hallucinogens.

Derek was getting reacquainted with his cutback after a week in Hawaii, and Jesus was also looking to poach a goal. He had the next good chance as he got the ball in the center but his shot was Ciroesque.

Billy got in the game in his customary right back spot, providing silky touches on the ball, while Danimal and Nick L opted for more of a brute force approach in the center of the park. Chris G was also back from the great white north, eh. Good thing because Arsenal had a 19 year old with blistering pace to deal with down the wings.

When Ciro and Parks needed some relief, Ramesh slotted into central midfield and provided his usual wizardry, getting forward trying to spread the ball around. One such attack saw Jefe bomb forward, only to take a booming left-footed shot… not learning from Chappy’s initial error, there also wasn’t any doubt where that ball ended up.

With both teams employing non-keepers as keepers, there were some mistakes to exploit. Jake was on the receiving end of one as the Arsenal man went on a walk about and Jake would up with the ball and an open goal from 40 yards out. His shot narrowly missed as it careened into the side netting. Oh so close to the opener.

With the half winding down, it was looking like the Honey Badgers would rue their many chances. And with an attack down the right side, Arsenal snuck in a goal to Big Dave’s near post to draw first blood.

Later, the referee gave Danimal a little feedback and we saw why he quit his Junior High Debate Team…. he just didn’t want to talk anymore.

Back in the Badger end, Chappy went full Big Dave to protect Big Dave with a well timed defensive slide tackle inside the box.

Oranges. A little small, and whatever you do don’t unleash them out of the mesh bag for fear of drawing Jefe’s wrath!

The second half saw Cameron Road deploy Keeper #2, as post-Covid Parks took his turn to be the hero. Unfortunately, his shift began with the second goal for Arsenal. But a hero’s journey always starts with a struggle.

Frustrating was starting to creep into Cameron Road’s game. Aaron was doing his best on the right hand side trying to deal with the youngster, but he had legs and energy to burn and was a right pain in the ass.

Still, the Badgers were in the game. That was, until Chappy unleashed his second and even more devastating bonehead play of the game to add to Brian’s story arch. Nabbing the ball from Ciro’s pinpoint pass on the right touchline, Chappy turned inside and gifted the ball directly to an onslaught of Arsenal attackers who had open road to to goalsville as they charged down Brian and grabbed goal #3. Chappy would like to blame his momentary lapse of judgement on his recent brain injury, but the dude does have a storied history with unsuccessful back passes.

3-0 Arsenal.

Back in the defensive end where things were getting frustrating, Nick L and Danny held summit talks, but negotiations were unsuccessful. Play continued and Cameron Road were facing an uphill battle to get back into the game.

To make things worse, an Arsenal attacker unleashed a rocket at Brian Park’s fingertips to nab a soul-crushing goal number 4.

After the water break, Brian was released from his duties and in stepped Keeper #3. Sir Jefe. Who promptly “stopped” a free kick after setting up his wall and collecting the slow-rolling shot in his arms like one of Brett’s children.

With everything going decisively not badgeresque, was it time to pack it in, pour a drink and wallow in their collective sorrows?

HELL NO!!! With nothing to play for except a little pride, the Badgers kicked it into comeback mode and came up with a plan to storm the castle.

Danimal narrowly missed with a point-blank header from Ciro’s tiny-footed free kick to give them hope. But the spark came as he pushed forward and grabbed the ball on the left corner of the box. With Chappy crossing the field for backup, the ball squirted to him on the left side of the box where he paid tribute to long-lost Captain Magilow with a little no-look pass down the line to Adam. With a few deft touches, Adam whipped in an inch-perfect cross to the back post that gently glanced off Jesus’s chest into the path of Parks to side foot it into the back of the net. His hero’s journey now complete.

4-1 and the comeback was on!

The Badgers started to feel the momentum, even with little time left and with some divine intervention, Jesus won the ball with some scrappy play and made up for his first half miss with a quick shot past the keeper for Badger goal number two!

4-2 with the clock ticking.

Pressing forward, the Badgers could smell cobra blood in the water and HAND BALL IN THE BOX…. PENALTY! Unbelievable, but who would step up this week. Big Dave put down the meat thermometer and absolutely SMASHED his penalty straight through the aging Arsenal keeper to deliver the hammer blow and goal number three!!

4-3 with minutes to play. The Badgers, in full comeback mode went for broke, but damn if they just ran out of time. But hot damn, what a way to come back to life after being left for dead. Another true example of the Honey Badger spirit on display and 4-3 sure sounds a hell of a lot better than 4-0.

Cheers Badgers, that was a great comeback and a great way to uplift the collective spirits of all those who played.

Man-of-the-Match: With no actual keepers available, BigDave/Brian/Jefe take the credit for stepping up.

Man-of-the-Match-for-the-other-team: Shout out to Chappy who failed to convert his chance in the first half and gifted the Arse their goal #3.

Post-Match-Report: Nick L was Johnny on the spot with his twelve pack of Twisted Tea. Jake was again Mr. Mist. Jefe wanted it known his shift at keeper resulted in no goals as he claimed he was inoculated from them instead of Covid. He also drenched his Captain’s crotch with an icy mix of shrinkage as Ciro again looked on with satisfaction. There was also a special screening of Weekend at Billy’s in Badgertown, but the slightest tilt of the Scotsman’s head proved his heat was still, in fact, beating.