Cameron Road’s Press Secretary Discusses Alternative Facts About Today’s Loss to Verity
POST MATCH NEWS BRIEFING – Transcript by AMSA
FEBRUARY 19th, 2017
SPEAKER: CAMERON ROAD UNITED PRESS SECRETARY
[*] SPEAKER: Good afternoon, everyone. Thanks for coming out. I would like to start by saying that you just witnessed one of the greatest games you’ve even seen. I’m talking better than when our boys beat our good friends the Russians back in 1980 on that frozen pond. A highly competitive match between two fantastic teams. In the end it was a close one, but Verity just managed to squeak out the win. But we are all very proud of the first place Honey Badgers. Very proud indeed.
Kirk Bohls, Austin American Statesman
QUESTION: You do realize that you’re not in first place anymore, right?
SPEAKER: I’m sorry, I don’t understand your question.
QUESTION: You said you were proud of the, and I quote, “first place Honey Badgers.” But after today’s drubbing you are no longer in first place?
SPEAKER: First of all Kevin…
QUESTION: It’s Kurt.
SPEAKER: Right, Kyle, first of all, I have not heard any news to the contrary regarding league table positions which may or may not have changed due to several factors. We all know that there are thousands of unregistered teams out there in the division who could be mucking up the standings. But as far as I know, you are correct, yes, the first place Honey Badgers. Next question.
Grant Wahl, Sports Illustrated
QUESTION: Can you explain why the Honey Badgers weren’t able to stop Verity in the first half as they gave up 4 goals in 30 minutes?
SPEAKER: There was an intense wind blowing from the LEFT as you well know. A hurricane force wind. A very leftist wind. I’m pretty sure I saw a tornado as well. That’s documented, you can look at the pictures. It was the most watched storm of all time and it actually blew against the Honey Badgers both halves.
QUESTION: Both halves? That’s impossible, isn’t it?
SPEAKER: Oh no, it’s actually quite common. The Honey Badgers were very brave to face such conditions. Next question.
Scotty Boykin, Struggle FC
QUESTION: Much luv to you kindly, good folk over there at Cameron Road.
SPEAKER: Right back at’cha Scott.
Kirk Herbstreit, ESPN College Game Day
QUESTION: There was a lot of chatter on the pitch. We kept hearing the name “Messi” brought up by your players and the other team in reference to a short, pretty good Hispanic midfielder who was giving you fits. We checked the league rosters, and his name is in fact not “Messi.”
SPEAKER: Oh no, that was the actual Messi out there. On loan from Barcelona. I mean, why else would the team refer to him as such? And how else do you think they scored five goals? It’s actually an amazing feat that the Honey Badgers held a team with Lionel Messi to such a low total. I heard he scored 16 goals last week against CC United. And that was in one half with a blindfold. We have that on good intelligence. Without a doubt, that was THE Lionel Messi. Yes, in fact I’m sure of it.
QUESTION: Okay, moving on. Was it some sort of tactical plan for Cameron Road to have a ban on shooting for most of the game? I’m not sure they registered a shot on target?
SPICER: It’s not a ban. The shooting ban, it’s not a ban.
QUESTION: But you just called it a ban?
SPICER: Because you just called it a ban. I’m using your words. You said ban, and now I’m using your words. I’m just saying it back to you. Next question.
Anderson Cooper, CNN
QUESTION: At the hands of such a soul destroying, bone crushing loss, are there any positives that you can say came out of today’s game?
SPEAKER: Oh sure, absolutely. Did you taste the new American-style lager that Danimal bestowed upon the team after the game? I mean, it had none of that pretentious hipster hoppiness that is well-known to ruin a good beverage. It was fantastic. The best.
QUESTION: But I mean on the field. There was nothing positive on the field to take from the game?
SPEAKER: Right. On the field. The team was drinking on a field. I don’t understand your confusion Anderson. It’s a pretty simple concept. And there was the three goals that the Punters gave up, that was also “on the field.” Again, just like I said, a positive takeaway. Anyway, I’d like to thank you all for coming. I’m sure this was a tremendous match for you to cover and we will see you again next week when the first place Honey Badgers take on Manchester United at the Pontiac Silverdome.
(CROSSTALK)