Badgers Beat Dragons to Win the First Annual Clark Field Derby!
With a dreadfully average league campaign drawing to a close, and fresh memories of the heartbreaking, last-second Fall Cup Final defeat still on their minds, the Honey Badgers knew that the Clark Field Derby was their last chance at filling up the trophy cabinet this year. And with an impressive late second half charge, Cameron Road drove an excalibur-like stake into the heart of the Argentine Dragons en route to a 4-1 victory.
Eight O’clock games are never easy. You’ve got tired, weary eyes and overworked livers to contend with, as well as those who straggle to the field of battle a few minutes late. Fortunately for Cameron Road, they have Jefe, who is always happy to set up camp at the ideal location and watch the sun rise over Onion Creek. Another welcome sight was the glowing, full jug of Gianluca’s magic “Columbian Tea”, which can easily propel a man to such heights that he previously thought were utterly unattainable. And as player after player showed up with a cooler in tow, it was clear that there was only going to be one winner of the pre-game.
There was the usual flux of players available on the sidelines. Dave was a notable sight, Cuyler and Dermot both suited up for their second game in a row, and Captain Chappy returned after a month long stint as a Jason Statham stand in on the set of Transporter 17. Brian Thomas also was seen backing in his Saturn bucket mobile after replying “no” to the Evite. Cheeky, buzzworthy move. One player who was not available was Ryan Willis, who somehow pulled a muscle in his leg. Presumably from repeated trips to pizza parlors and sausage carts in Chicago last week. When asked if he could possibly play, he belted, “fhhagettaboooouuuutttit”.
As both teams took one last look at the trophy perched at midfield, battle lines were drawn.
With lightning-like quickness, the Dragons stormed out of the gates and nearly set the Honey Badgers back a goal within the first 30 seconds as Jay punched a save back into the path of Nate who was crashing the goal. Luckily, Chappy was there to use every inch of his size 13 right foot to get the ball away to safety a second before Nate could tap the ball in. With that kind of early drama, the fans just knew they were in for an entertaining game.
For the first 15 minutes, both teams tried to shake off the Clark Field cobwebs and establish their dominance. The Dragons tried getting Drew the ball deep through Edgar’s back line silky touches, while the Honey Badgers tried to get Gigi in a position where he could do some damage.
In the first bloody affair, Ciro was clearly taken down from behind by the Dragon’s whispy-haired #20. Somehow, as Ciro’s 34 pound body fell to the ground, he ended up smacking the Dragon player in the face blooding his nose. His screams for a deliberate rearranging of his nose fell on deaf ears as the referee whipped out the first yellow card of the day.
The Honey Badgers started to gain a foothold in the game as Travis’ far post corner kick drifted to Chappy at the back post. Unfortunately, Chappy could only muster a powerful header into the side netting.
The game was developing a nice intensity, especially for the Clark Field regulars on both sides of the ball, who were able to wind each other up without much incident.
Midway through the first half, the Dragons found the break they were looking for as they were able to snatch an early goal. Not wanting to get taken out of the game early, the Honey Badgers knew they had to respond in kind. Ben entered the game and started to pull the strings with his trademark physical gracefulness (physical gracefulness, I like that, I’m gonna hashtag it). Peterson was looking for the killer cross. Ciro darted to open spaces in the attacking third. There was a bicycle kick sighting (I’ll let you figure out where that came from). And Chappy narrowly missed a second diving header in front of the goal.
But it was Jake, an likely source, who got Cameron Road back into the game with the equalizer they so desperately looked for. As a corner kick bounced back into open play, Jake charged forward and smashed the ball past Big Zeke with his sheer inertia as it came crashing off his 12 pack. His first goal for CRU broke the deadlock and the Honey Badgers never looked back.
Tied at 1-1, both teams went into halftime thinking they could safely clear off a space on the mantle for the trophy. The Honey Badgers took instructions from Jefe and Ryan, who had been meticulously tracking the ebb and flow of the game from their Coors-infused vantage point.
The second half started, and Travis decided to turn it up to 11 with his “I don’t take no shit from nobody” work ethic. His exuberance earned himself a trip to the sidelines, but his enthusiasm only helped amp up the Honey Badgers like a pack of wild dogs. Billy was also getting restless, and started to charge forward to join the attack in his new Ashley Cole role.
As time wore on, tensions rose, and the referee wasn’t helping with some very inconsistent calls.
There was a second bloody incident as Nate and Dermot went Mayweather-Pacquiao with a head-on collision. What Dermot would call an “Irish Handshake” forced both players to exit the field with gashes. Dermot’s over his eye, and Nate’s over his ear. Because of the location of the wound, Dermot couldn’t continue, but Nate was seen later sporting a t-shirt head wrap back on the pitch in true Dragon style.
With precious time ticking down, the Honey Badgers turned up the heat in search of the winning goal. Ben skipped his way past a defender on the left side and darted towards goal on one attack. Gigi took a couple long-range pops from distance. Billy continued to press the issue with surging runs and Adam and Andy were their usual hustling selves looking for ways to break down the Dragons.
And with a draw seemingly on the books, the Kraken strode forth from deep within his watery hollow at the back of defense and delivered the knockout blow with a vicious low drive to the right hand corner that had Big Zeke clutching at air. 2-1 Honey Badgers.
The Honey Badgers pushed hard looking for more. Chappy completed his hat trick of missed headers off yet another nice corner kick from Travis, and Peterson tried to bend a free kick over the wall. Unfortunately, he drilled it straight into Ben and wound up pulling his calf pretty badly. Here’s to a speedy recovery to the man with the best hair on the team.
With the momentum on their side, Cameron Road went goal shopping with a yellow and blue American Express card as they netted two more to seal the deal. Gigi finally landed a long-range bomb for goal #3, and Travis and Andy combined for the final goal of the game with a fine piece of actual soccer. As Travis received a throw-in on the near sideline, he shielded the ball and turned into the danger area. With the nimble feet of a 200 pound ballerina, Travis tip-toed into the box and slid a perfect ball across the area to Andy, who punched the ball into the back of the net.
As the final whistle sounded, it was the Honey Badgers who emerged victorious with their 3 goal second half to take home the silverware and begin their assault on the afternoon in the badger tent – where all were welcome – Dragons, Punters, Chopped Liverpoolians, Mean-Eyed-Baker Street Cat Men, 68 year old Messis, and even a surprise appearance from some old time Verity hooligans.
With the trophy safely out of enemy hands, the Honey Badgers set out to making it a three peat. Winning the pre-game, actual game, and post-game. Many beers were drunk (I stress many). Ice baths were dished out, some consisting of ice and water, others adding parts of the cooler themselves. And a two game scouting mission was carried out, especially on Cameron Road’s next opponent, Deep Eddy, and their vaunted 9 man lime green blitzkrieg.
All in all it was a great afternoon, and word on the street is that the trophy will grow in size and stature and will be waiting at midfield for the next meeting of these two storied franchises.
Man-of-the-Match: Solid at the back with an imposing Bill Lambier-like presence, but with the deft feet of Baryshnikov, Cuyler drove home the winning goal and had an all around outstanding game.
What do you get when you’re on the losing end of a Clark Field Derby… you get iced. Congrats Drew, you made the website!
