Slump Buster: Honey Badgers Earn First Point in Over a Year with 2-2 Draw Against Austin Athletic

Courtesy of Adam Greenspan

 As penance for the many new and creative ways I came up with to not put the ball in the net today, my arms and I will be your guides through this match report.

  The gods of soccer weather were in a mood for dickery, raining just enough that you could probably play but could at any moment get rained out, all while cultivating a swampy mud marsh for the 2:00 games. In the end, the match was on, and a full compliment of honey badgers and one bonus badger showed up to battle AAC. Peterson joined Derek up top, with Adam and new recruit and much-younger-and-fitter-than-the-rest-of-us Houston on the wings, the-Brian-with-two-functioning-calves-and-a-flannel-shirt and Ciro in the middle, and Jefe, New Chris, Big Dave and Little Little in the back. Verity Joe even showed up to come off the bench for us.

 CRU pushed forward, enjoying things like “time on the ball” and “not being six inches shorter than everyone on the other team” that most of us had not experienced in quite some time.

 Somewhere in the early going, we got a throw in deep in AAC territory which got flicked off a head into the six yard box – let me tell you, that ball was in juicy bicycle kick position, so I turned my brain off and did whatever I do that gets my foot up there, I still don’t really understand it. In any case, that really seemed like the one that was going to be a goal so I can stop trying those, but instead a defender who I can only assume is a dental professional ran through me, and a PK was awarded.

 For whatever reason, I decided to take the PK. One could say I missed it. I prefer that it was saved. After much analysis, we decided my error was in assuming a Summer League Division Four keeper “diving” would mean his feet would at all leave the spot they started, such that putting the ball in that spot as he just kinda fell over was not so great of an idea. Lesson learned. Deepest apologies.

 Moving on. Derek drew first blood with a run down the left and then in on the touch line, roofing a tough angle shot. 1-0 good guys.

Big Dave chopped someone down like Field-10-adjacent sitting tree and was rewarded with a yellow card. He had a real nice midfield slide tackle at some point, too.

Intermission fruit.

 In the second frame, our recruiting efforts paid off, as we worked the ball up and Houston got off a bouncer from the top of the box that skipped over the keeper’s patented leftward fall/dive. 2-0 good guys.

 We had some more good chances, as Flannel Brian got of some good shots from deep, Joe sent a good floater that I chipped over the goalie… but wayward right, New Chris went streaking down the side for a good chance, Houston fired a cross through traffic that clanged wayward off my shin. Everyone did some good things actually, we played a good game.

So things were looking good… buuuuut then AAC scored, I don’t remember how, and then they blasted a deep rebound from 20 yards on the best shot of some guy’s life and we tied.

 Several important items were discussed in the postgame:

• Chappy and Ryan renewing their vows in Mexico (he said yes).
• Whether lambskin condoms were made of actual lambskin.
• Whether that means you’re having sex with a sheep or a sheep is having sex with your lady.
• The merits of lambskin jerseys.
• ATX United (I think?) came to visit our tent because they’re stupid and don’t have a tent. Jefe shamed them for littering, it was kinda awesome.
• Jefe also realized you could wear a dick orange as glasses and see through them.
• We will have a dizzy shootout after the Punters game.
• Fuck the Punters.

In summary, we didn’t lose. Soon we will win. No more PKs for Adam. Congrats to Chappy and Ryan. Go team.