WIN: 5-1 vs Lofty FC – Badgers End Season On A High With Blowout Win

After rescheduling 3 times, the Honey Badgers were finally able to close out the 2022/2023 season against Lofty FC. The grass was lush and green, there was a light mist in the air, the tent was standing proud (that would be the MVP vote getting tent), and Ciro was chomping down on a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy’s 30 minutes before the game. Brianless, Ol’Schwarzy showed up uncharacteristically early, and Danny had a tiny, Apple Watch bashing cheering section in tow. With a bunch of folks missing out on the final, there was only 1 sub available for the final match – turns out, that was plenty.

As is the custom on the final match day, Jay Zardis was unleashed into the wild to run around and do midfield stuff. Ciro and his bloated tummy (but well protected from the dangerous UV rays) volunteered to put on the gloves and hang between the pipes for the first half.

There were many story lines to the final game with the post-season awards all up for grabs. Would Danny be welcomed back into the fold of “normal humans” and take home the elusive Golden Pineapple? Who would be crowned MVP? Who would take home the tightly contested Golden Boot between Derek and Jesus? Must see TV!!

Lofty FC had lofty goals as they came into the game at the bottom of the table and were playing for some pride. That plan soon got derailed within the first 10 minutes as their #7 winger had to exit the game with the old BT calf strain, so they were down to 10 men with no subs. A tall order indeed.

The Honey Badgers struck first blood early on, as Adam took up root at his familiar spot at the back post and knocked in the opener with an unorthodox shot from his foot.

It was already looking like a rout was on the table.

Cameron Road was playing some inspired stuff out there. The passing and patience was on point as they opted to work the ball into the final third and move it around instead of the usual kick and rush counterattacking game.

With the Golden Boot on the line, Jesus was up next as he stole the ball from close range and fired home his 8th goal of the season! Over to you Derek.

At the back, Danny and his helium shoes were doing some cloud-scraping clearances, and Peterson was doing his best Alex Ring impression as he dropped back from midfield to the center of defense to watch everything unfold in front of him. He passed his test well and played a great game from the back.

Ciro also passed his first half test with flying colors, making a tiny fingertip save, dealing with a Chappy back pass, and generally not screwing anything up in goal.

The final goal of the half was one of the best of the season. Jaybone worked the ball over to Chappy deep in the left corner. Chappy found Schwarzy at the top of the box with another pass. Schwarzy sent a perfect dagger of a thru-ball straight down the Lofty FC box where Derek received it and turned his marker, leaving him one-on-one with the keeper to beat. With a few shots over the bar to his name already, he made no such mistake this time and drove it home to take the lead in the Golden Boot with 8 goals himself (but an advantage on assists)!

Oranges by Adam.

Somehow Lofty FC gained a player in the second half to get back to full strength, but it made no difference. They were basically a two man team, with a hard-charging bearded winger making deep runs all day long, and a feisty fireplug up front putting in some work.

Derek may have put another one over the bar (not that there’s anything wrong with that), and the Honey Badgers were still coming in waves.

Adam again got in the mix in some corner action, but a Lofty defender turned the ball back into his own net for an own goal to put the Badgers up 4-0.

It wasn’t all done and dusted though, as Danny had to make a brilliant last ditch slide tackle on a Lofty breakaway with Jefe now in goal for the 2nd half.

Those two combined again later on as Danny put the Brian Parks shoulder charge on him in the box, but the referee awarded them a sympathy p/k which Jefe missed saving by a few inches.

Derek then almost gave away the Golden Boot to Jesus as he played him in right in front of goal, but Jesus couldn’t convert the chance.

As the half was winding down, Jefe tried to get Chappy back to cover the bearded attacker who was causing problems all day, but it was like trying to call back a Badger who had the scent of cobra blood. Big Dave sent him on his way to the goal with a thru-ball that he had to skip over, but then if was off to the races from the left side with just the keeper to beat. Chat GPT’s assessment of the odds for what happened next were as follows: 1% chance of scoring with his foot. 2% chance of finding a teammate to pass to. 22% chance of falling down or tripping over the ball. 75% chance of sending that ball deep into the treeline and into orbit. The odds won.

Finally Danny put the icing on the season as he turned in a final goal from inches away at the back post. 5-1 baby.

The Badgers really did play some fine footy on the day, working the ball around with patience. It was also really awesome to watch Derek and Jesus play up front together with the Golden Boot on the line. They were both unselfish, trying to get each other goals, and working hard for the team.

A great finale to a perfectly worked 3rd place season!

Man-of-the-Match: The Badger Spirit!