Somewhere in the Multiverse, CRU Beat the Punters 4-3 in a Thrilling, Glorious Clark Field Derby

Somewhere out there in the flux of time and space, there’s a parallel universe that is exactly like ours – except for two very key differences. The first is that there is no Corona Virus. The second is that instead of a hot plate to cook his nightly tomato soup, Ryan Willis has a Stainless Steel, Viking Professional 5 Series 36″ Gas Range with VariSimmer Setting and 6 Open Burners which takes up two thirds of the entirety of his cozy, Hyde-Park hovel. In that universe, Sunday was Clark Field Derby Day, and that meant CRU vs The Punters.

The Crowds gathered. Tents were assembled.

The Dragons forfeited their game against some nondescript Over 30B competition and took up a neutral center field position, ready to heckle each side as opportunities presented themselves. Yuni and Jorges were busy screaming at Derek pre-game, at least we think they were screaming at Derek, who can really tell. Nasty Nate parked his tiny stool and cracked open a Modelo, organizing his slide-tackle tally sheet. Drew, still nursing his black and blue groin, laid out his charcuterie tray and glass of chardonnay in anticipation for the afternoon’s entertainment just as Zeke arrived in his Sunday’s Best pith helmet.

In the center of the pitch, two captains stood at the ready. One dressed in oversized numbers with bicep muscles wound tight as his braided belt. The other with a freshly shaved head and most likely on some sort of canine medication. Coin toss. The teams lined up for battle…..JAKE IS DOWN!!! JAKE IS DOWN!!!!!!

The Honey Badgers were at full strength and looking powerful with their 100% uniform synergy in golden tops, royal blue shorts and cobra blood socks. The Punters were a mismatched collection of multi-colored socks and shorts to go with their NASA approved numbering system, which made them easily identifiable from the International Space Station.

Game on!

Damn the Punters and their “passing” and “ball control”. Early on, their strength, the midfield, worked the ball around like a lazy afternoon at Clark Field. Their plan was to wear down the Honey Badgers with their possession game, and hopefully create opportunities for G$ and the other attackers. The Honey Badgers, in start contrast, developed their counter-attacking strategy and tactics on the fly, utilizing whatever shit they came up with like the savage, wild beasts on their jerseys.

After some back and forth minutes feeling out each other’s intentions like two teenagers in the back seat of their parent’s Prius, the first tense moment arrived. As the Punters attacked down the center, Leo sent in G$ with a clever pass. As he crept forward to meet the ball, Danimal also was on his way to the scene. There was only going to be one winner to that battle as Danny cleared the ball and Glendon’s right boot into the treeline with a primal scream.

At the other end of the pitch, the Honey Badgers slowly got into their rhythm. Ol’Schwarzy, BT and Ciro started working the ball around, probing for weaknesses in the Punter back line. Mostly those weaknesses were anywhere Keith wasn’t.

Fifteen minutes gone. Tensions rising. Jaybone makes incredible diving save from Shannon’s right-footed shot. The counter attack is on. Peterson, picking the ball up on the right flank, ships it like Jimmy Hendrix through crosstown traffic to Chappy on the opposite side of the pitch. Looking up, the Captain spotted a familiar run from his non-sexual life partner back from recent injury as Ryan made a mad dash to the back post. Like McNutty and Bunk decoding a kitchen crime scene, not a word needed to be said as the pass was delivered in between Henny and Eric. Ryan picked up the ball and smashed a one-time volley into the top right corner, removing and kissing his right Mizuno in appreciation for it’s true strike.

1-o and Badgers strike first blood!

Punters not happy. Eric and Henny continue to argue. Aaron pleads for unity, while wearing gray shorts. Irony? More minutes pass. Nate chalks up a slide tackle to the Eagle Claw. But quickly Chris G has two marks to his name as his speedy ball hawking skills thwart several Punter attacks.

But then. Damn him… Nick again. Why always Nick? The Punter captain picks up a loose ball in the box, manages a shot to the near post which clangs off the bar. But the rebound smashes off his 12 pack of fat-free abdominals and pings into the net.

1-1. Mike from the Crown and Anchor rubs his beard in admiration for the tight match unfolding.

35 minutes gone. The Punters continue passing the ball around, but are having problems advancing beyond the final third as the Honey Badger defense stiffens. With their passing game stalling, the Punters unleash newly installed secret weapons! First, as a cross comes in, Eric charges forward, covering 40 yards in a mere 3 minutes, and dives to meet the ball with his head.

2-1 Punters.

With the Badgers stunned, the Punters strike again just before the half, catching the Honey Badgers off guard when usually mild-mannered and silent Ryan screams out from his right back position, causing a brief but effective diversion which allows Glendon to slip in unnoticed for their 3rd goal of the half. Unbelievable.

3-1 Punters at the half.

Adjustments needed. Pep talk required. Only one man for the job. Quickly, Ciro and Andy use their engineering and tech savvy to construct a satellite device out of orange peels, a Modelo can and and the powerful human thigh bone found near field 10. Suddenly, with the powers of all three sides of the treeline triangulated, Luke appears in hologram form on top of Jefe’s Yeti like Princess Leia. “BADGER THE FUCK UP” were his words of wisdom. With that, and the powerful flavonoids from Adam’s oranges, the Honey Badgers surged onto the pitch to complete yet another fantastic comeback.

You could see it in the Punter’s eyes. The two goal lead would not be enough…. their staff was too long…. they were digging in the wrong spot! It was only a matter of time as the Honey Badgers looked to get back into the game.

He plays right back. He’s a silky, numpty-hating, safari-loving David Moyes look-alike. His name is Billy and sometimes he wears whispy red shorts. But on this day, he set the tone for the comeback as he plowed forward from his defensive shackles. After a clever one-two with Bret who was playing center back, Billy found himself in front of an onrushing Punter defender. SCOOP! But this was no ordinary scoop. No, this ball sailed high, catching the wind from Peyton’s circling hawk, completing the first ever scoop to….. HIMSELF! And with a perfect volley from his wee right foot, the Honey Badgers were back in the game.

3-2 Punters.

30 minutes to go and the Honey Badgers needed another goal. They decided to stick to Plan A of late as Danimal’s booming goal kick found the Bald Dome of Power at the half line. The mighty flick fell to the feet of Gianluca, who along with Derek and McKenna formed the most feared attacking trident since the days of Rooney/Ronaldo/Tevez back in 2007-2008.

Gianluca charged the Punter defense like they were a convention of Dentists, his disdain boiling over in his precision dribbling. He flicked the ball to Steve and with a drop of the shoulder and a roll-over of the ball found himself inside the 18 yard box. But with defenders closing in, Steve backhealed the ball to Derek inside the 6 yard box. Everyone knew what was coming. Dear Lord everyone knew what was coming. Yuni and Jorges both stood in anticipation. Jefe, still injured, rose from his spot inside Badgertown, kolache in one hand, White Claw in the other. Somewhere deep in the treeline a beautiful white tail deer stopped in its tracks, its snout rising to get a scent of the wind. CUTBACK.

Tie Ballgame!

Five minutes to go. The game was balanced on a razor’s edge. BT thumps a shot from distance! Jaybone makes another fingertip save! Adam thunders one over the bar! Jeff Z clears a ball off the line! Ciro shoots one right at the keeper! It was looking like a stalemate.

But wait. What’s this? Jefe stuffs his sock full of kolaches and magic butter. Wound healed! He springs from the tent, gathers a bit of Clark Field grass in between his fingers as he marches to proper substitute position. Sensing the fire burning deep within his eyes, Danimal subs off to allow Jefe into the game.

30 seconds to go. The Punters surge forward with one more attack as sure-footed Ernesto moves the ball up the right into Big Dave territory. No one can dislodge the ball from the Eagle Claw’s mighty talons…. but wait….. Big Dave……patented slide tackle……Nasty Nate screams with joy……. Badgers have the ball, Badgers have the ball. Mighty Ciro picks up the loose ball and with sensei-like quickness squares it to Jefe 10 yards in his own half. The referee raises the whistle from around his neck. Jefe channels every ounce of the spirit world and connects with his right foot….”how many bones did I roll this morning?” he ponders as the ball is in midair……SEVEN….. it was SEVEN as the ball sails past the outstretched arms of the Punter keeper and into the back of the net!

BADGERS WIN. BADGERS WIN. BADGERS WIN.