AMSA Covid-19 Task Force (Meeting Minutes) Match Report – June 29, 2020
An Adam’s Arms Story….
After receiving Zeke’s latest email, the subject and quality of his content brought me great sadness. I yearned both for soccer and for match reports of said soccer from the #1 AMSA Over 30A Team Website in the Universe. And with that I bring you…
5:45 AM – Zeke receives email from Zoom “Your meeting attendees are waiting. One attendee: Jeff Little”.
7:00 PM – Meeting begins.
[Zeke’s video connects. He sets aside his pot of honey.]
Zeke: [Silently mouths “Hey, can you guys hear me?”]
AJ: You’re on mute.
Greg: Well done, AJ.
Commish: Hear ye, hear ye, this meeting is now in order! We are gathered here today to discuss the 2020 Summer Season and the ongoing need to send a few thousand people an email every week to remind them they can’t play soccer! Who has something to contribute?
[Nick’s video connects. He is 18 yards from his camera]
Nick: [muffled speech]
Zeke: Nick, we can’t hear you, I think you need to come closer.
[Nick moves sideways, no closer to the microphone]
Nick: [muffled speech]
Zeke: Nick, closer! You need to move forward, not sideways! [Waves with right hand. Mouse is stuck to hand with honey.]
[Nick moves back to the other side. Shrugs. Does pushups.]
Billy: Oh for fuck’s sake.
[Chappy’s video connects. All are temporarily blinded by glare from bald dome of power.]
Chappy: Can’t we play and social distance. I always stand at least six feet from the man I’m marking.
McKenna: Marking?
Dave: My tree is pretty distant.
Luke: So is Utah.
Jay: So is Dagobah.
[Jake’s video connects. It’s sideways.]
Jake: Hey guys, as the league’s foremost rules expert, I have several rule changes I’d like to…
Zeke: [Interrupting] Hey, Jake, I think your camera is sideways. [Motions with left hand, now stuck to keyboard with honey]
Jake: Oh, no, I’m just on the ground.
Zeke: Ah, very well, proceed. [Big scoop of honey]
Bret: Wait, I’m not our rules expert?
[Jeff Z’s video connects. It is 100% lockdown beard.]
[BT’s video connects. He’s in a wheelchair on a boat.]
Chappy: Oh, shit, what happened B?
BT: Oh, nothing, healthiest I’ve ever been. Doc said I’m not allowed to walk or really move at all as a precautionary measure so my calf doesn’t explode and use our valuable medical resources. I’m also not allowed to feed myself, but luckily I’ve got Schwarzy to help with that. We’re quaranteaming!
[Schwarz feeds BT a Whataburger, presumably from his own shin guard, also a necessary safety measure. Seinfeld theme plays from seemingly nowhere. Peyton, Ernesto and Derek’s PK can be seen soaring majestically in the distance over starboard.]
Aaron: Oh, man, I love the Brians. [Cracks someone else’s beer.]
[Chris G sprints by in background.]
Willis: I for one am worried about those most vulnerable.
Chappy: Yeah, the league is full of elderly pirates.
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Actually you guys are getting pretty close yourselves…
Willis: Oh fuck off, Fauci.
Gigi: Who let this dentist on the call?
[Andy’s video connects. He’s at the top of some mountain.]
Zeke: Whoa, Andy, great social distancing? [Gives thumbs up. Licks honey from thumb.]
Andy: Social what?
Jorges and Yuni: [indiscernible jibber-jabber]
[Dermot’s video briefly connects, showing only an elbow, then a cracked camera lens.]
Zeke: Ok, ok, let’s focus people! The league needs this urgent email to remind them that they can’t do anything fun ever again for the rest of human existence. Are the servers online?
Peterson: Affirmative.
Zeke: Packets ready?
Peterson: Always.
Zeke: Pineapple?
Danimal: Pineapple.
Zeke: Core temp?
Ciro: Nominal.
Zeke: Oranges?
Adam: [ ]
Zeke: Can you show me on the screen?
Peterson: What?
Zeke: Can you put the email on the screen so I can read it one last time?
Peterson: You mean…?
Zeke: Really?
Peterson: Say iiiiit.
Zeke: [Sighs] … Put it up…
Peterson: Putting it up!
Zeke: Send it.
Peterson: It’s sent!
