WIN: 10-0 vs Elephants – CRU Takes Down Some Elephants with the Big Guns in the First Post-Pandemic Match Since March of 2020!!

553 days later, the Honey Badgers made their glorious return to the hallowed Onion Creek pitch to write the next chapter in their epic footballing fairytale. With the memories of Over 30 receding like Chappy’s hairline, the Honey Badgers started the new campaign in Over 40 with an 8am showdown against the Elephants. They say an elephant never forgets, let’s hope they banish this one from their collective memories as they found themselves outgunned by the “young” Badgers and on the wrong end of a 10-0 shellacking.

The Elephants were….. older than anticipated and not an accurate representation of the entirety of the division, but you can only play the team in front of you, so thirteen Badgers suited up (mostly in the correct uniform…. Andy) to get it on.

Things picked up right where they left off a year and a half ago as Chappy proceeded to miss three good opportunities in front of goal, the final a tribute to Ciro which was shot directly at the keeper. But the writing was on the wall from the get-go as the Badgers camped out in the Elephants half, passing the ball around, looking for the opening goal.

Danimal earned the distinction of scoring the first post-pandemic header as he drove in former Dragon Nasty Nate’s corner kick. Speaking of Nate, the man lived up to his moniker as he took down a 60 year old with a bear hug tackle from behind….”I’ll tackle anybody,” proclaimed Nate. Your’e damn right, and that’s why you’re on the team.

After the goal and an opening 25 minutes of pinging the ball around, Chris G stepped up with a few thunderbolts from distance that just needed an extra yard or two to dip in.

As soon as he entered the game, Gigi was looking lively. Slippery as an eel in a bucket of olive oil, he was in and out of the box and before you knew it had two goals. Not to be outdone by his striking partner, Derek was also pressing for a goal and was ripping off shots and cutbacks with abandon.

Fresh from his first transfusion of Honey Badger blood, Guillermo also made his dark side debut and slotted into central defense and midfield nicely, always providing a skilled option and outlet.

3-0 at the half and by God ORANGES WERE BACK! Coach Willis and Assistant Coach Jefe made the necessary adjustments, including releasing Jaybone from his own recognizance and putting him into the field with a Ciro goal-swap, and the Badgers took the field headed towards Badgertown.

Cameron Road quickly put the game out of reach with a one-two punch of goals to start the second half. Dismissing rumors that the Fauci Juice jab had diminished its powers, Chappy unleashed the Bald Dome of Power from Gigi’s corner kick, becoming the first 50 year old Badger to net a goal. Since no good deed goes unpunished, (unless its Ciro passing the ball without actually looking first) Chappy’s next venture into the box saw him lay the ball back into Gigi’s path in front of goal to bag his hat trick.

5-0 Honey Badgers and the route was on.

To be fair, the Cameron Road Stat Department was having a hard time keeping up with all the action on the pitch as Adam (without the aid of his arms) banged in two goals from close range, Nasty Nate got his first Honey Badger goal, Derek finally bagged his opening goal of the season, and Gigi finished off his duties up top with a 4th goal….. showing a bit of that good’ol Italian sportsmanship, Gigi shipped his own ass back to defense even though he could have become the first player to score 5 goals in a match for the Honey Badgers (where there were witnesses, fresh memories, and a referee’s report to back up such a feat)

There were plenty of other shinny moments in the second half for Cameron Road. Andy made a double keeper swap and took a shift at doing absolutely nothing so Ciro could get another run out. The Badgers were caught in between trying to back off a clearly outmatched opponent to pass the ball around, and the sweet sweet smell of fresh cobra blood in the air. GIVE ME GOALS had to be tempered with SHOW THEM MERCY. In the end, you can’t really stop playing, can you? To their credit, the Elephants were great sports, but they weren’t ready for the Badgers self-effacing shenanigans. As Chappy made a darting run through a pair of older gents, only to smack his shot off the crossbar, something was said about him doing all that work with no end product….. to which Danimal took the bait and made a glorious reference to the eerie similarity to his performances in the bedroom. The Elephants seemed a bit shocked, but it was the final piece of the riddle that is Cameron Road to prove that they were indeed back. Chappy kissed the Onion Creek turf in approval.

In the end, it was the perfect medicine for a pandemic soccer hangover. Enjoy it for the day young Over 40 Honey Badgers, tougher tests are on the horizon for sure.

Man-of-the-Match: The man hates dentists, but loves the back of the net. 4 goals, 2 assists…. not a bad haul for a striker, so Gigi’s close range sharpness earned him the first Man of the Match honors for the season.

Post-Match-Report: Chappy iced Andy and Ciro, Ryan and Jefe iced Chappy, the Punters were heckled, Chopped Liverpool were in the house, Jefe and Ciro scouted the rest of the league, no tents were jumped, Willis is eyeing up a one-legged return (Alice band or man-bun?)…… it was a good day.