Breaking News: Honey Badgers Week-Long Email Thread After 3-0 Win Against Cosmos Is More Exciting Than the Punters First Half Against Phoenix

What follows is a week-long transcript of the Honey Badgers victory. Thread started and titled by Chris Peterson:

PETERSON:
C Road 3, Idiot Team 0

So now the bad news.

5-6 of us will be writing our own match report on the same thread, I’m just kicking it off so it actually happens. Mostly because much of what you’ll read will be untrue. Except for mine, of course.

Even on a day were we clearly try to throw a game, we win. So additional bad news, we are gonna win out and take 1st or 2nd place. Might as well start talking to NI about a John A. move back to Austin, get Carlos his confidence back, find a way for Luke to work “remote”, and get Casio back in the ATX cause we are on a roll…

Imagine a day and world where the the following happened: (All actually true)

Andy responds in to evite, moves to out on Saturday saying he had “double booked”, then shows up and drives 80 MPH and complains that there was no fog
Jay beats Jeff to the fields
Jay was completely sober all day Saturday, not Sunday
Jay somehow saves his Achilles heel goal “high and weird” and also two crazy ass good goals late
Ciro mentions being sick all week and he won’t be worth a shit and gets an assist and a goal, I’m guessing his core temp was just a little low
Jake gets a yellow card for saying “Fuck” to several refs, non are his friends
Danimal throws all for a loop with a reverse Pineapple call out for the whole team
Adam didn’t show up, but his Mom did.. Jeff will have more to say on this
Willis didn’t smoke for 6 days but did yell at Derrick and says it’s the weekend, I gave him smokes
NEW Chris, was a god damn ANIMAL. I hope me doesn’t mind me saying god damn in his regard
Dave passed me the ball and in a brief lapse of thought, allows me to play him a return ball that makes him run to the end line.
ICE FREE SUNDAY
The Brian’s are on location filming season 3 of said show, I think Louis CK is on board now, so lots of wiener touching, each their own though
Chappy somehow talks Southwest Airlines to circle Manor for 90 minutes in a cautionary pattern
Kids near us in 10 AM game all think it’s funny to straddle a smart blue heeler like a sheep, blue heeler humps two kids
Jay starts a great joke, then forgets his joke completely but laughs appropriately
Billy smiles the whole day!!!!

Nice win dorks!

#88

JAY

There may be an opening for a crazy intimidating sideline manager position.

Required manager dress code: Black duster jacket at all times.

DANIMAL

0-0 halftime

No oranges

3-0 full time

Busch light and Chimay

Game, blouses.

NEW CHRIS

Just so we’re clear, if the rest of the team pieces together as many nice passes as you all did today, you find the back of the net like you did, and Jay punches, grabs or deflects the ball like he did, if you’re not saying god damn in how hard I push, I’m doing something wrong.

JEFE

well said new Chris

ADAM

Did my mom score any shin goals? Amy Greenspan taught me everything I know.

Fine work folks.

JEFE

CRU 3 ,IDIOTS 0

#doitforcarlos

#chappysux

so 12 of us showed up to a soggy manor park to battle the fools. 3 goals in the second half. 3 fantastic saves by Jay, no oranges, no icing, no tuna, ciro was cold then hot, busch beer flowing like a blue waterfall of awesomeness, and doobies blazing.

It was a GOOD DAY to be a badger.

oh ..and the POONTURDS were losing 0-3 at halftime when i left.

i popped my tire on a pothole as i turned out of the manor field complex but some how made it home before it was completely flat…split the sidewall, oh well…

then i had fried chicken and it tasted like victory

DEREK

CRU 3, Team Hack Attack 0

Key Highlights

Danimal brings a calmness to the badger den with a reverse-pineapple as some of of us were telling the referee that there is a soccer game being played on the field and that he is doing a poor job

#8 may have caused some damage with multiple hacks to my fibula, going in for x-ray this week, not feeling good right now

Chris Griger secures a yellow card for taking #8 down pretty hard in the second half – Thanks for that.

JayBone is starting to overcome his fear of high shots, illustrated by a solid save of a high dipper in the first half, followed by 2 circus saves late in the second half to ensure the SHUTOUT.

Ryan yells at me for not passing it to him SOONER than I did.

Uncomfortable scene of Beerca player’s dog humping any kid that walked by. Seriously, what is it with Beerca players and their dogs?

Carlos finished game with 3 goals and 3 assists

Cunters get manhandled in first half against Madrigal Dragons. It was kinda like watching someone put down a horse with broken legs. I just couldn’t stick around for the second half to see the conclusion.

In conclusion, the Cosmos are still the dirtiest team in the league, even without their meathead goalie. I fucking hate every player on the Cosmos and I expect no less than a 3-0 victory every time we play those hacks. I’m not an advocate of dirty play, but truly enjoyed the 10 second span where our back line took down 2 or 3 Cosmos pretty hard, culminating in New-Chris’s yellow card. In this case, it wasn’t necessarily dirty. It was just the right thing to do.

Amazing. I leave you guys alone for one weekend (well, three out of four, but whatever) and you plow under a bunch of idiots that didn’t know any better than to foolishly show up, get dressed, and try to kick goals. I’m actually a little depressed for the Cosmos. I hate seeing the earnest, and ever-hopeful human spirit slashed and trampled by angry badgers. But again, they had a choice, and they chose to show up.

Any day you can put three league points and 8 points of goal difference between yourselves and the sad, boring punters is a glorious day.

I wouldn’t mind hearing Adam’s Mom’s voicemail message to him upon realizing that he hasn’t bothered to make the trip.

And bummer about the tuna. One day, if we’re really really good, maybe, just maybe, we’ll find a little tuna in our hair after Chappy has lost his mind and begun throwing it, instead of just full apples and mayo.

Congrats, guys!

CIRO

Magical Dragons 5, Punters 0.

BILLY

3 fantastic saves from jay

3 great goals

I biased ref

Bitching cosmos hitting ground every time

they where touched

Punters 3-0 down at half time

All makes for good Sunday fitba

And it’s good to be back

JAKE

Everyone’s version of the events that unfolded Sunday are quite accurate. It was a proud day for the Badgers, despite inhaling gravel & dirt after making an attempt for the ball on the side of the box. Even better news that Cosmos will most likely join the division of the Dragons next season. Only one win this season does make me feel better about them not wanting to shake hands after the match(a few did). Hopefully we continue our aggressive streak, just not so aggressive that we have to move up. I will do my best not to behave like a complete douchebag, but when BT isn’t around to witness it, he can’t be embarrassed by it.

CHAPPY

Jesus, I leave you guys for one game and everybody’s Ernest Fucking Hemingway. Nice win.

#tickporvida

I wouldn’t be opposed to hearing the complete version of who scored and how it happened.

JAKE

The first 2 were attacking plays past the last defenders. With Andy calmly pushing it passed the keeper after Ciro(I think) assisted. Next was Ciro with an assist from ? in similar fashion. But the last one was beautiful with Willis regaining the ball pretty deep in their territory and lobbing it in the direction of Derek who was open right between 2 defenders. It took one bounce and D high kicked it into the top corner of the net. Looked almost professional. All quality goals.

CIRO

My goal was an assist from Derek. There was a goal kick that bounced over the head of the fullback, Derek took off on the right side chased by the fullback, and drew their sweeper towards him. I ran down the middle, Derek’s pass split the two defenders, I had time to trap it inside the box and just place the ball away from the keeper.

DEREK

#1 Ciro to Andy – Need help on this one, but I think Ciro slid a ball to Andy on the left side of the box and Andy put it far post?

#2 Derek to Ciro – I received ball about 20 yards out from Ciro (or someone else in central midfield), drove it almost to the right byline while getting hacked, and dropped it to Ciro just inside the penalty spot where it was calmly dispatched past the keeper.

#3 Ryan to Derek – Willis lobbed a great pass at me just inside the top of the box and I scored my best goal as a Honey Badger with some kind of crane kick into the top left corner.

As Jake mentioned, all quality goals, but it really came down to the passing that lead up to them. The games are much easier when we pass like this.

We need the goal cam installed for next game because I can’t remember shit…. Chappy?

ADAM
I like that our passes must be described as “at” each other rather than “to” each other. I feel like I’m getting the real story here, free of the usual tick-leaning media bias.

DERMOT

I can almost visualize the beautiful moves. What a run you boys are on..!

JEFE

and on the last kick of the game after the criesmost midfielder burned 4 of our guys he then proceeded to #sendit straight into my dick and balls so hard that the ref blew his wistle and said “I’ve seen enough” game over man.

my balls still hurt

we got gunners next, then 2 difficult opponents phoenix and chopped livers lets keep this shit ball of momentum rolling

CHAPPY

This Lord of the Flies match report seems to have covered the basics, but it lacks the subtleties. For example, making fun of Ryan, the ceremonial icing of Ciro, and where in the fuck are Luke’s Grandmothers biscuits? But y’all look real pretty.

#feedyourticktequilla

RYAN

in fact, there were no icings of Ciro or anybody else, since you were mexico…. it was very relaxing on the sidelines.

so we made a team-wide pact: no icings on anyone except you.

JEFE

oh yes we did

PETERSON

I can concur on both accounts. It’s was a very gentlemanly day. Minus dog kid humping. But, that’s normal.

CHAPPY

Very relaxing?

Gentlemanly?

Congratulations, you guys have turned into the Punters.

The sidelines should be a place of exhausted jubilation mixed with unbridled unease. I shall double my efforts upon returning.

Ciro, bring an extra set of dry clothes…..or two.

#sorrynotsorry

#thetickmademedoit

JEFE

he writes his own fate sensei!

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