Netflix and Chill…. Honey Badgers To Do List After 2015 Fall Cup
There are few things more certain in life than death, taxes, and the cyclical nature of the Fall Cup for the Honey Badgers. This year proved not to be an exception, as Cameron Road was bounced from the tournament on day two after a lukewarm performance on the pitch (off the pitch they remained sideline champions for the 10th year in a row). Since this was an off-year in the cycle, it was pre-destined by the Soccer Gods that Cameron Road would not advance to the finals, but that didn’t stop the Honey Badgers from trying.
This year the sideline was bursting at the seams with 18+ current Honey Badgers, one former Honey Badger, and two Honey Badger Fanboys. The group instantly bonded under the mysterious field 7 shade tree (seriously, where did that thing come from…. was it actually an Ent from the tree line?), and forged a yellow and blue alliance. It was tough to get used to it for some, especially Drew, who screamed like Gollum being tied up with Elvish rope, “It burns, it burns us! Nasty little Honey Badgers. Take it off. TAKE IT OFF!!!” Needless to say he was talked off the ledge by Frodo Chapoton and he was able to carry on with his fellow Dragon Nasty Nate. Speaking of Nate, it must be noted that he relied on the comforts of a handy, plastic foot stool instead of a big boy chair to carry out his sideline duties. Those Dragons, they really are a strange bunch.
Game 1: CRU 1 – Beercelona 0
The all important opening game was against a familiar summer league foe (and Drew’s former team), Beercelona. Cameron Road started out positively, establishing some early physical play that Beerca wasn’t comfortable with. Cameron Road had the fist good chance of the game as they cut through the Beerca back line like a knife through one of Luke’s Grandmother’s hot biscuits and found Jared clear in on goal. With only the keeper to beat, Jared fired off a hard shot that ended up where his final shot as a full-time player did so many years ago… right off the crossbar. Thwack! A cruel coincidence, but a good sign for Cameron Road. Not to be outdone by his Okie counterpart, Luke scorched the earth with a shot from the top of the box that had to be cleared off the line. Things were going well for the Honey Badgers, but then Peterson’s shoes started to give out on him and BT’s hammy exploded into ten thousand tiny shards, ending his day one experience. It looked like the first half would end goalless, but that didn’t stop Ciro from putting in two long-range shots to round out the first 30 minutes.
The Honey Badgers went on the attack from the start in the second half. Jared played a nice ball into Chappy down the right, and his shot with the outside of the right pontoon was pushed wide by the keeper, but Derik’s follow up shot just wouldn’t go in. Cuyler stepped up to take a pair of long range free kicks, one of which was an absolute missile that screamed by the far post and put the port-o-potties on high alert. Speaking of Cuyler, at the other end of the pitch, he was about to add to his resume of “most unlucky defender inside the box” when a p/k was awarded by the referee when his gently, kind, loving hands brushed up against the back of an attacker. Fearing the worst, the Cameron Road sideline was understandably nervous, but as luck would have it, Jared convinced the referee to trust in the eagle-eyes of his teenage linesman and the foul was overturned to a free kick outside the box. Instead of pumping it towards the goal, Beerca tried a very unsuccessful training ground play and rolled the free kick to the Cameron Road defense to clear.
With time running out, Chappy subbed in as Luke was about to take a throw-in in the attacking third. Luke’s monster throw went to the Captain’s Bald Dome of Power where he was able to flick it into Gigi’s path. Gianluca unleashed an unstoppable volley into the far corner to give Cameron Road the win and some hope that they could advance in the tournament. With the dirty dishes done, the Honey Badgers set out to find some entertainment before their afternoon match. First up was a stop by the Punter’s second game. With that not providing the entertainment value they were looking for (I mean, how many times can one yell at Travis?), the heard moved en masse to field 5, the site of their upcoming match with Soccer City.
Game 2: CRU 1 – Soccer City 2
Ugh. Hard to find the highlights in this game. It was brutal. Cameron Road were on the back foot for the entire game and just couldn’t find their groove. They found themselves down by two goals, and Gigi’s hustle and bustle goal was the lone shining moment. It was a discouraging loss, but after finding out that they were still in 2nd place on points, the Honey Badgers spirits perked up and they commenced to cranking up the post game fiesta.
Day 1 Post Game:
Badger Town was a flurry of activity as the memories of the Soccer City loss faded like the black coals on the Webber Grill turning to ash. Hungry Honey Badgers gathered round the fire to feast on sausages, smack each other in the face (quite hard) with moist tortillas, and listen to Adam tell story after story. With delicious beer flowing, the post-game lasted until twilight. And for some, the post-game lasted much, much longer.
You see, around 4:17pm Chappy entered the Spirit World, and somewhere around 8:30pm he took a magical flight to the rings of Saturn, riding on the fluffy back of Falkor. As he was just about to understand the secrets of space, time, and dribbling, Falkor whispered a prophecy into his ear. “Graruwmwon oudndodn $4482 nsaNO snohnnyeo”. You had to actually be in the Spirit World to understand this revelation, but a rough translation would be, “Little son with giant hobbit feet, I welcome thee to to Jefe’s land of golden dreams. There is no fee for admission, but there is a cost that must be paid. Tomorrow morning, you will be given a glorious chance in front of goal, it will be almost impossible to miss. However, you will miss. Badly. An epic miss that will be launched straight to da moon…. look there…. see it fly past us as we speak! However, in the Spirit World, all energy is equally distributed and your embarrassing miss will be your spiritual shaman’s gain, as Jefe will experience pure joy and goal-scoring bliss in your place.” Fade to black.
DAY TWO
Game 3: CRU 2 – Highlanders 3
Nothing like a day two, 8am game to shake off the cobwebs. They Honey Badgers faced Highlanders, a rag-tag bunch from Dallas who had employed the services of everybody’s favorite Cuban tandem, Jorge and Yuni. There were a few changes to the lineup, as Nate fell off his 6″ footstool at some point in the evening and pulled his hammy and Cuyler was unavailable for Sunday action. On the positive side, Dave was back to bolster the defense, and BT picked up enough of the pieces of his hamstring to make it work for 60 more minutes. In another change, Cameron Road decided to go with the white tops to cleanse themselves of the second game’s loss.
As game time grew dangerously close, it was clear that a vital piece of the Cameron Road puzzle was missing. Jay probably picked the wrong evening to beta-test his new App, the Jaybone 9000 (marketed as a personal assistant and Genesis lyric finder for young adults on the go). With a slight tweak of the alarm function, Jay was on his way, but Jared started between the pipes using only day old hotdog buns for gloves.
On the other end of the pitch, the Highlanders were a hot mess. They were either yelling at each other, listening to Jorge yell at them, or yelling back at Jorge. Anyway you sliced it, they were ripe for the taking early on. And the Honey Badgers were gifted a great opening chance as Chappy took up shop at the back post were a ball somehow bounced past two defenders to his right foot with Jorge in a bad position. Fulfilling Falkor’s prophecy, Chappy lifted the ball high into the stratosphere and out of danger. It was not pretty.
Still, even with that chance gone, the unorganized Highlanders looked beatable. But just like that, two corner kicks yielded fruitful results for the out-of-towners and before Jay could nestle himself between the pipes the Honey Badges found themselves down by a pair of goals. More back luck would follow for Cameron Road as Ryan also pulled his hammy and he had to take himself out of the game in the first half. (on the positive side, who doesn’t love a Modelo at 8:30am)
Still, the Honey Badgers do love a comeback, don’t they?
And with a hustle that was on display all weekend, Gigi ran down a ball that Jorges spilled and put it in the back of the ol’onion bag to cut the deficit to 1 goal. Of course, Jorges was enraged as he thought Gigi had fouled him on the way to the goal. A sentiment not shared by anyone else on the pitch.
With a lifeline given, the Honey Badgers commenced full comeback mode and set about finding some more goals. The Highlanders were trying to protect their lead by any means necessary, which mostly consisted of time wasting at any possible moment. They were playing better than they were in the first half, and victimized the Honey Badgers a third time to go back up by 2 goals.
But all was not lost, and the Honey Badgers continued to press for a goal to get them back in the game.
A call went out to SEND IT. And SEND IT Chris Peterson did! With a 40 yard free kick to the back post, and a beautiful “dummy” by Dermot to distract Jorges, Jefe strode to the back post on Falkor’s back and knocked in Cameron Road’s second goal to his euphoric delight. Spirit World debt paid.
With precious little time remaining, the Honey Badgers needed a miracle. A win would send them through to the semi’s, but a tie might also do the trick. The Honey Badgers thought they had one when Ciro slid a perfect ball into the box for an attacker. From the sidelines, it looked as though Billy was first to arrive and he was clattered to the ground in what would surely be a penalty kick! When the dust settled, it became clear that the embrace to the ground was of Irish-Scottish origin, and Dermot had unwillingly taken Billy to the cleaners to the tune of a separated shoulder. (thus making Billy this year’s Adam).
Even so, the game came down to the last kick as Gigi fired off a corner kick that Chappy was waiting for at the back post. But the Soccer Gods had made their decision about this year’s tournament and the ball sailed inches over the bar, and the game ended in another frustrating one goal loss.
Day 2 Postgame:
With the tournament seemingly lost for the Honey Badgers, Luke put on his bracketology hat and started running the numbers. And for some yet unknown reason, there were some scenarios where Cameron Road could actually advance. They needed Beercelona to beat Soccer City by a score of 2-1, or 1-0, or something like that, and so some life was breathed into the team and Badger Town was uprooted and moved over to field 7.
It was a tense match, and the Honey Badgers put on their best sideline display to try and help Beerca get the win. But in a cruel twist of fate, it was everyone’s favorite Portuguese striker from Takoba that drove an Iberian dagger into the hearts of Cameron Road with the goal that gave Soccer City the win. Ah well, time to hit up the bar.
Man-of-the-Tournament: Hater of Dentists and Hunchbacks. Scorer of goals. Gianluca secured his spot as the Honey Badger of the tournament with a fine display of soccer. His 10 goals so far are a new statistical record for one season…. Gigi is on fire!!
Gollum: “It burns! It burns us! It freezes! Nasty elves twisted it. Take it off ui
It burns! It burns us! It freezes! Nasty elves twisted it. Take it off us!